


"Feelings"

by Larkawolfgirl



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Temporary Character Death, Feelings, Gen, Implied Relationships, M/M, One Shot, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:30:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8132237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larkawolfgirl/pseuds/Larkawolfgirl
Summary: You need a heart to feel, and you need to feel to live. Axel shouldn't have either.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually the beginning to "Worth Dying For" from Inner Medley, but I somehow forgot I had this draft saved and rewrote it from scratch. So have it as a quickly extended drabble /one-shot

Feelings were something he remembered. They were strange things. They could control you, but they could also motivate you. Sometimes they were the only thing keeping you going. Axel knew it was irrational, yet after meeting the newest addition to the Organization his memory seemed to be getting better. The longer he spent with the boy the stronger the sensations he remembered became, and as naïve as it was, soon these “feelings” had become his anchor. Xemnas said they needed a heart to feel and that they needed to feel to really live, but why did he need that when Roxas made him feel like he was living already?

It occurred to him one day, on the Clock Tower under the sunset stretched in the distance, that he was being obvious. He acted far too happy, far too attached. He laughed, he joked, he called him friend. Anyone who saw him would realize he was feeling things, that he actually considered him his best friend instead of just pretending to. But when he looked over to see Roxas smiling back at him, blue stick of ice cream slowly beginning to drip, he decided that it didn’t matter. This was what made him “happy”—an emotion he remembered was supposed to stand above them all (well aside from one that he was not at liberty to dwell on—let along _remember—_ for no amount of deception would let him believe it could be felt in the absence of a heart).

It was entirely senseless, but when Xion went rouge he never even stopped to think about what to do, just acted. Roxas wanted her back, and Axel wanted Roxas to have what he wanted. That was only one of many times he acted on instinct. One of the many times the thing he lacked acted instead of his head. One of the many times nothing else seemed to matter aside from the fate of a snot-nosed kid—a snot-nosed kid whom made his chest feel ten times lighter and his head clear and his cheek muscles truly react for the first time in _seven_ years). In the moment—when he was around him or when his fate was supposedly in jeopardy—there was no thinking, only “feeling” and action. There was only…an indescribable thing that refused to let him stand by, to watch in silence.

Then he was gone, and the “feeling” with it. Or, the “happiness” was. Because that indescribable thing was latched onto him like a vice, telling him that he must act—always act. Fate was what he made it—or some insane notion like that. Sora was still there—and so the “feelings” as well. Never once did he bother to stop and wonder what Roxas would want or even why he wanted those “feelings” back—because all he had was spurred-on action.

This continued until it literally ripped him apart—in fire and darkness and irrational obligation. Until he was staring at brown hair yet imagining blonde and feeling his cheeks turning upward again and his chest hollowing from something other than his molecules separating. In that moment, he would not have debated if he actually felt fear—if only it had been there—but he didn’t. All he felt was pride and that lost “happiness” and that thing—there again, yet immobile this time (as if saying, “yes, you’ve done it. You’ve done enough). Even after everything was dark and there was no longer any real sense of “self,” those “feelings” were somehow still there, and it was then he realized they _were_.


End file.
